Knitting calms me when I feel edgy, the feel of the yarn and the concentration can send me in to a kind of meditative state. The repetitive motion lulls me, lets my mind wander and frees it from worrying.
I realised why I reached for my knitting today after all this time, I needed that space. Someone really managed to push my buttons the other day and not in a good way. This person barely knew me, but the level of vitriol they levelled at me was quite amazing. Throughout the most part I actually felt I stayed quite calm and reasonable, but I think that actually drove them even more over the edge. In the end I just wondered why I was continuing to even try to remain a part of that community. This person’s actions just made me realise that you can’t go back, no matter how much you want to, or even want to want to. In that moment I acted a little rashly, I deleted a website. I was the owner, I was within my rights to remove it. I know that it will have had a huge effect on the other people who used it, which I am sorry for, but I needed to get rid of all connection to that part of my life.
Still I feel sad, I’ll never be a part of that *something* I created again. So I’ll knit it all into this, my negative Smoke Alarm Cardi. It has all the frustration of the fire and it’s aftermath woven through it, and now all my sadness and anger over this loss too.
I wonder if I’ll ever be able to wear it?
Or maybe I will look at it and see, not all the bad things that happened during it’s inception, but the strength it took to do what I needed to do and get through it.