Today we’ll talk about mental health. I have a history of depression going back years and years, more recently my brain has added anxiety to the mix. It was probably always there but in the background, and not so obvious.
Something I noticed today. I can tell how well I am, not just physically, but mentally by how many dirty dishes there are, and how long they have been there.
A few years ago my life went madly stressful, and I ended up having a huge panic attack at work and I was ill for a few months, oddly it was another really stressful event that broke the cycle, and set me on the road to getting back to living my life. Anyway during the time I was ill, I was really *organised*, I guess my brain’s way of forcing order on a time of chaos, and my dishes were always washed before I went to bed (normally leave stuff until the next day but not longer), they had to be done else I’d not settle. Once I got better I went back to my more normal pattern,
Last week my brain took control and I went into a bit of a tailspin, I left my dishes for DAYS before washing them. Today I realised that had actually started the week before.
It is entirely possible that I can use the state of my kitchen as a barometer of my mental health, and an early warning system. I don’t know how I can use that to help STOP what’s going on in the depths of my head, but forewarned is forearmed.
I decided to try an Elijah for Ludy, who knits and likes squishables. So far it’s going fine, pattern is simple, but you need to keep track of the increases and decreases. I know I am going to hate the ears as much this time as I did last time, but I am pushing forward and hopefully they will go by nice and fast.
I have some little silver metal hearts somewhere, if I can find them I will knit one inside, hopefully it will stay put just under his skin, where the shape can be felt, and Ludy will know he has a heart to love her back.
It’s funny, sometimes you don’t notice you’ve been in a bit of a funk until it goes away.
I woke up today feeling livelier, with a yen for cleaning and tidying and putting things back in order. I felt properly awake. I should really have noticed more that something was wrong. The flat has sunk into disorder, and that’s a big sign for me that things aren’t right.
So pinny on, and let the cleaning commence.
The House of Raa is in an uproar. The trip to Ikea yesterday was a HUGE success, I have a new bookcase and a little unit (they were out of the dvd tower in birch). I now have a wall of books and dvds and a huge mess to tidy up.
The exciting part is the little cube unit. It’s by my desk, it will take my yarn winder, all my knitting porn (patterns & books), thread boxes, my sewing machine and some yarn (I hope) this will mean I have a CLEAR DESK, that’s never happened before.
HUGE thanks to Pid and Bear for the trip and help lugging stuff up to the third floor. Cake and pie were not payment enough by half.
Now just to get things back in to some semblance of order before H arrives for dinner….. Eeeep!
I got stir crazy today, I went out and came home with bread and beer. I have only done 4 rows of the shawl edging… Once again I have made myself a big fat liar by not doing what I said I would…
The other day I pushed myself to do stuff. I knew in the back of my head it wasn’t a good idea to go hiking off to Asda, but I went anyway determined as usual to force myself into normality. By the time I got back I barely managed to put away the shopping before I had to lie down on the sofa. I literally felt unable to move, I almost slipped off to sleep. After about an hour and a half I was able to get up and shove some food in the oven and eat. I was in bed asleep soon after and slept for 10 hours. Today (well yesterday, but we’ll call it today since I haven’t been to sleep yet) has been a bad pain day due to the exertions of the day before. I tried just lying still, as sometimes that can help, but even breathing today was causing me a great deal of discomfort, and the pain causes nausea. I needed painkillers, but before that I had to eat. Toast is always the saviour in these situations. Thus fortified I took my pills and lay down to wait for them to kick in. Initially this was great, lack of pain=happy Miss Raa.. I managed sitting up and knitting! Then, well, they continued to kick in, which was not so great. My concentration dissolved into a codeine and voltarol induced haze. I had to put my shawl down. I poked the internet and watched tv, far less taxing pursuits, there may have been some staring in to space. By the time my brain had made it back to a semblance of what I’d consider normal, I only managed to do 3 rows of knitting before I got too tired to do any more. Miss Raa goes off to bed, eyes drooping.
That was over 3 hours ago, I have tried very hard to sleep. I tried to ignore the pain again, after all I was so tired I could sleep through anything… except that apparently. I am soooo tired. So now I resort once again to the pills, 60mg of codeine and 1000mg of paracetamol. In about 20 more minutes hopefully everything will turn shiny, the pain will recede and I will slip off to sleep. If not I shall return and take 50mg of voltarol and try again.
Wish me luck.
I’ve not been very well since Christmas. We’re still trying to work out what exactly is going on, but two of the issues I have are fatigue and subsequent difficulty concentrating. The Shy Shawl (for lack of a better name it doesn’t have a Raa name yet), knit in NDS Angel 2 ply, has been more challenging than the one I knit in the heavier weight yarn. I thought, since this was my first venture into knitting with a lace weight yarn, that knitting a pattern I was familiar with would make life easier.. and I’m sure it has, however, I dread to think of the hell I’d be going through with a new pattern if this is *easier*. I’m pretty OK when I’m not tired, I motor on, muttering to myself about ssks and yos , but tonight my last row went something like this:
“Ok, knit 3.. umm how many was that.. oh, one..ok 2 more. Knit 2 together, knit 2… oh, there’s only 1 stitch” *slowly unknits* *counts from the start of the row* “What.. ah I dropped the yo” *picks up yo* *continues* knit 3.. umm how many was that.. oh, one..ok 2 more, knit 2 together, knit 2, yo…..” *continues* “umm, how many was that.. hang on where am I?” *pokes stitches* “Hmmm oh knit ummm… how many am I knitting?”
It seems I have lost the ability to count, and retain any information on the pattern.. time to put the knitting away.
Tomorrow will be busy, there’s some running around to be done and I have a visitor coming. Now though it’s time for Miss Raa to close her laptop and go to sleep.